This is kind of a different and more personal post for me. I turn 20 today (2nd September). Although birthdays are usually full of happiness and celebrations, I’m feeling the need to reflect on the past week as it has been a complete mix of emotions.
Leaving those teenage years behind
At the beginning of the week it suddenly dawned on me that I was turning 20, and this meant leaving my teenage years behind me. I didn’t feel old enough for this, I didn’t feel ready. I started becoming very overwhelmed by this next huge step in life, and I found this was bringing on anxiety attacks and constant overthinking. Whilst I’m reflecting back on the week, I realise that I was genuinely scared of turning 20, it felt like a very huge ADULT age, and yet I was feeling so young and not prepared for this huge jump. It had me thinking more and I was feeling more overwhelmed than when I turned 18.
Does life start at 20?
I sat in bed with mum last night (we are still sharing the bed whilst waiting for my carpet to be laid!), and just got very emotional and it hit me even more that in a few hours, this day I was dreading was coming around. Obviously, mum thought I was daft and just said it’s another birthday and ‘wait until you get to 60’ etc, you know the usual parental response. She went to sleep and I started talking to the girls at work about it (as they were counting down the minutes until midnight), and I asked them for the positives of turning 20, as I just kept thinking negatives and wanting to make these feeling of dread go away.
They said things like freedom, life starts at 20, and you no longer get treated like a child (which is something I’ve really been angered by in the workplace). Most importantly though, that I was leaving my teenage years behind and it’s like a fresh start. This thought stayed with me a while, and I couldn’t agree more. Although I’ve had the most amazing last few years being a teenager, there has been some negative and awful things that have gone on throughout that period in my life and it feels somewhat bittersweet to start this fresh chapter and leave those negative aspects behind me.
I’m sat here writing this on the morning of my 20th birthday and just putting this mixture of feelings onto ‘paper’. Ok, I still don’t feel ready, but my feelings have become more positive. I wanted to reflect on this last week because my emotions have been everywhere and I can’t be the only one who has felt like this.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this burst of free writing, with very little conscious thought to what I was writing but instead just spilling all my emotions onto a blog post app. Also know as waffling.
I don’t know is this will be posted or not…we shall see.
Nat (THE BDAY GIRL🎉)